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Damn Mama

Damn Mom, 

      Why can't you just be happy for once? Why you always gotta be so damn miserable. Why can't I ever call you for once and you just be regular? Life is too short to be Fucking miserable all the time. 

Than I guess I kind of understand. Fighting depression really isn't no joke. Wish you would get over Eddie dying so you can move on and finally be at peace. It's not like he brang you happiness any ways! All he did was drink everyday all day. Manipulate you. Abuse me and my sisters, and molest me. So why the fuck are you still holding onto that piece of shit. He been dead. And you still living your life holding on to a dead son of bitch? You bugging!

Maybe you feel guilty for how things turned out? Who knows? I'll never know because you're not saying anything.

I know your health is not that best right now. And tomorrow isn't promised. Which is why I make the effort to call you everyday, and enjoy you while you're here.

I just can't remember the last time you were genuinely happy and not bitching complaining or miserable. It saddens me sometimes knowing that tomorrow may not be promised and all I remember is nothing but bad thoughts about you. 

 Apart of my healing process when I was fighting depression was to forgive and let go.

I forgave you in my heart for all the trauma you allowed to happen to my sisters and I. I forgive you for the time you tried to kill me. I forgive you for the time, I told you Eddie was touching me and instead of you doing something about it you let him stay. 

I forgave you and I asked God to forgive you as well. I don't know whats your problem!

Whatever it is I hope you find peace. Sometimes I wonder if when you do pass away God forbid...

I wonder if I'll cry sadly because you're gone and the only thing I can remember is you being mean and miserable all the time.

Or if I'll cry tears of relief and Joy knowing you're in a better place knowing you don't have to miserable and suffer any more?

Either way, I love you mommy. And I hope everything works out for you. 

Love always your first born daughter.




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