Letting Go

Letting go was probably one of the hardest things I had to do, in order to over come my battle with Depression and with my battle with drug addiction.

I had too let go of all my past trauma. As bad as it hurt knowing the people I loved most, and the people I thought loved me, or was supposed to love me because of a title they held in my life said they had to love me. The expectation...more so. I had to let that go.

Starting with my dad not doing everything in his power to fight for us. My sisters and I that is. 

My sisters and I were physically abused and I was sexually abused by my moms ex-boyfriend. I held onto that guilt, shame, anger, and hurt for the longest.

My sisters and I were also bullied in school. 

From being neglected from my father, misunderstood from my mom, abused by my step dad to bullied in school. It was a lot for me. But I masked the pain up until the time I was 26. I had to be THE BRAVE ONE, THE FIGHTER, THE PROTECTOR, of my younger sisters. I had no time to be weak or let my guard down. But boy did the abuse HURT. And as bad as I wanted to speak up I was afraid too because I didn't want my mom to get in trouble for not protecting us. 

Instead I would go to school and be a class clown, and try to fit in with the crowd. Hoping someone would notice that my loud outbursts and random weird jokes were a cry for help. No one ever got the hints. But it sure annoyed and bothered some of the other kids. To the point where they bullied, and made up fake rumors about me and my sisters, to try and steal my joy. I acted like it didnt bother me at school. But when it was time for bed I stayed up all night looking out of the window crying talking to the moon. I would stay up until 5am every night, to make sure my sisters were getting a good night sleep without anyone hurting them, and too vent all of my days troubles to the moon.

I held onto alot of shit until I was 26 years old. A door that I ignored and just stuffed with all this crap, clutter, abuse, trauma, pain stuffed it all in there shut the door, and locked it! 

At 26 years old or June 2016, That door was forced open. 

I faced each and every demon. It wasnt easy!

I had help. I self medicated and I had the strength of God. As weird as it sounds.

Some go to the doctors for addarel, I choose the street stuff. 

I realized holding onto all of my past wasnt going to get me any where. It kept me down for the longest. It kept me down for 3 years. 

I prayed over and over for God to forgive those who have trespassed against me, asked God to forgive me, for not knowing any better, and one by one 

I LET GO!!

I understood the importance of letting go, and understood the fact that you cant climb up a ladder holding on to dead weight, its nearly impossible, tiring, draining and painful.